i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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