What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
