you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
