chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
