i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
