when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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