Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
