How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Randomize
