WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
