I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It's rum buckets o'clock
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
