i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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