please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
