when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
