My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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