I wanna bring you to show and tell
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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