She said her name was "party"
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
