i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
