I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
