The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
