I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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