I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
