Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
