Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
