Capitaan dildo arrescate!
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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