I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
