we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Found your dick twin last night
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
