That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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