are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
