Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
