One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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