There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
