I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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