Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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