I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
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