You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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