I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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