Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
