i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
