I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
