Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
