I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
