I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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