my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
