im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
