all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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