i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
