Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
