forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
