I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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