Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
